Jump Into The River

The child you see today

will not be here tomorrow.

The child arriving home from school, 

is different from the one

who left from home this morning.

Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.

- from the Tao Ching

Parenting = extraordinary joy + bittersweet grief.

This month, 2 of my kids will be having birthdays.  They will turn 5 and 7.  

five and seven.

While I'm so full of joy to be celebrating their life and growing another year older with them, I'm full of grief that my babies are doing simply just that - growing another year older.

I hate that I feel this way.  
I hate that I feel like I am constantly struggling with these emotions - balancing on the fence, wobbling back and forth between happiness and sadness.

How can I truly behold a joyful moment if I'm so busy trying to cling to what is fleeting?

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

A few weeks ago, grandpa was rough housing with Mason and grandpa said "Dude, watch my hangy down parts".  Well, Makayla obviously picked up on that, because the next day, she asked me "Why does grandpa call his penis a hangy down part?  Does he not want people to know that he has a penis?".

A few nights ago, an ambulance sped down our street.  Upon hearing the sirens, the kids ran to the window.  After the ambulance passed our house, Mia turned around.  Her brows were furrowed and she threw her hands up in the air asking "Why didn't the ambulance throw out candy?!".

At least once a week, Mason will say to me "feel this..." and he'll wrap his arms around me and give me a big hug.  Then he'll ask me if that felt sweet.

My kids.
These conversations.
These questions.
These gestures.

They'll never be again.
Sure, my kids all exhibit special characteristics that make my heart pitter patter and I look forward to watching these special characteristics and traits grow along with them in life -

but the level of love and curiosity and naiveity that are present today with my kids will be different tomorrow and the next day and the next.

And if I can just come to terms with 

everything changes, nothing stays the same

I think I'll be okay.
There will be a lifetime of moments that I'll want to cling to...but I'll have to let go.

Move from one to another.

Move from one joyful moment to the next.

Immerse myself in each moment as it comes along - and then keep going.

...Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.

From the School Yards To the Stock Yards

First, 

Mason, finished his first year of school.

Preschool.

He loved it.  A Lot!  In fact, it was a fight on the mornings that he didn't have to go to school because he wanted to go so bad, every day, all day.

When I asked him what he was going to miss the most about school, he said his friend Carter and his teachers.

When I asked him something he learned this year that he's never going to forget, he told me when he learned how to color.

Second,

Makayla wrapped up her school year.

Kindergarten.

She cried.  

There were tears of sadness because she didn't want to stop going to school. She loves it that much!

When I asked her what she was going to miss the most about school, she said her friends and Mrs. Gandenberger.

When I asked her what was the most important thing she learned this year that she'll never forget, she said to stay away from railroad tracks.

Learning how to color and learning to stay away from railroad tracks.

Ok.

 :)

I'm thankful for the amazing teachers that my kids have had the privilege of learning with this year and I'm thankful for the great schools that they attended.  I could not ask for anything or anyone better in the lives of my children during their school days.

Moving onward, I know my kids are looking forward to 1st grade and Pre-K even though they both had a rough time ending this school year!!

In the meantime, we have a summer to enjoy!...

It's just the beginning of the summer season, but we've already been able to enjoy lots of swimming, a camping trip, berry picking in the strawberry fields, making lightning bug lanterns, late night summer walks, park playing, bike riding, and all that other summer "stuff"...

and this past week, we made a quick trip to Texas!

We drove.

We've always driven to our vacation destinations with the kids.

Always.

And we've never had problems.

Never.

But this time around was a little different.  It was a rough ride.  The kids were very very very misbehaved on the ride there (i think because not bringing their tablets + the dvd players not working = major boredom)...but the ride home was much much much better (thankful for working dvd players and because of a different time schedule for the ride home).  I can't tell you how many times Kevin and I said that we're never doing this again!

Actually, here's a little peek into our lives during the drive to Texas through a text message conversation with my sister:

But, the long drive there was just a tiny bump in the road.  I can look back at it now and kinda laugh.  kinda.  Overall, our trip was amazing and our short time there was full to the brim with fun, excitement, and lots of laughter.

We went to a rodeo - 

Mason got to go out in the arena for a sheep scramble and says that his favorite thing about the rodeo was watching the cowboys tie up the baby bulls by their legs.

Makayla says her favorite part about the rodeo was when the cowboys tried to lasso and tie up the baby bulls, but failed.  She liked that the babies didn't get caught.

I, on the other hand, can't figure out for the life of me why someone would go into the sport of bull riding!  So dangerous!
And, I spent most of my time at the rodeo flinching and hiding my eyes.

But, I enjoyed it a lot and look forward to when we can go to another one.

The kids had the time of their life
(and they even got to sit on a real live bull *gasp*)

We went to the Dallas Zoo 

and Jurassic Park Land - 

We got to feed the giraffe by hand!

A zoo is a zoo is a zoo, 

but who doesn't love going to a zoo?!

We went to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in Arlington - 

We did a teeny tiny bit of walking around downtown Dallas - 

...and we went to Dealey Plaza - the historic West End district of downtown Dallas - where the assassination of John F. Kennedy took place.

We saw the grassy knoll and the "X" in the road where Kennedy was shot.

Great history.

I wish I cared about history when I was in school like I care about it now.

We were introduced to Benihana - my Osaka away from home.

...and we were introduced to Fitz's (in St. Louis) - a microbrewery and restaurant - known for their rootbeer and AWESOME floats.  I had a Smores float which was SO BIG the entire family shared it.
Nummy.

We did some hanging out by the pool and swimming -  

The kids loved having Scott throw them in the pool -

...and they loved having Scott spin them in circles so fast that they couldn't walk.

We had a great time in Texas and I'm so thankful we were able to make memories (like mia's whiplash, mason getting stampeded, learning to buy 3 sprites instead of 1) there with Aunt Nina and Scott.

...and an added bonus, on our way home at our last pit stop in St. Louis, Makayla found a $20 bill on the ground.  She was so excited and couldn't wait to buy everyone in her family Dairy Queen.

such a thoughtful baby girl.

So, our Texas trip is over and we're back to the grind - enjoying these hot summer days at the pool eating popsicles (or sno cones) and soaking up some vitamin D.

** here's to celebrating summer -

 sun drenched days and starlit nights  **

Taking Care of Memories

 

Recently, we spent some time at Starved Rock, together as a family, - hiking, exploring, and making memories.

As I was going through our pictures from our trip, I had an "oh, my heart" moment when I came across this one:

my little girl

My big little girl.

When I look at this picture, I wonder where the time has gone.  I see Makayla, my first born, growing up.  She's six, going on 16.  And then I look at my others - Mason is 4, looking more and more like a boy every day, losing his oh so sweet baby features...and Mia, my baby baby, is wearing her hair in a ponytail.

Where has the time gone?

 

Since starting this blog (5 years ago), I've always stayed faithful in documenting all that I hold dear to my heart. 
What I live for...

What keeps my heart beating...

What makes me happy...

I would come here, to Sugar and Slugs, to journal the things I never want to forget.

There have been times that I've been able to call Sugar and Slugs somewhat of a "therapy" - times that it's forced me to see and feel what's truly important in this life.

But, I know, it's been awhile.
...probably the longest I've gone without blogging since I started.
*sigh*

life happened.

The only things I've blogged about this year are




my kids being lovers of life,



 my nephew having surgery,

 

 

 and my wedding dress.

 

That's it.

That's all I've managed to put into words.
But,
I simply just got busy living life...

plus, most of our "spare time" (whatever that is) is spent working in and on our new home.
when I first blogged about our new home I shared some of my favorite features, and here are two more I can add: a magnolia tree and a gas burning light post that has a non-stop glow.

 

We are at a season in life right now

where Mia wants a whole candy bar every time she goes on the big potty,
where Mason is obsessed with eating good so his muscles will grow,
and where Makayla loves to play school (and when she and mason argue about who is going to be the teacher, she tries to always talk him into being the principal instead.  he never goes for that, but then she can always convince him to be the janitor).

When Mia doesn't get her way, she'll always say "Grandma told me!" as she shrugs her shoulders or throws her hands in the air.
Makayla loves to write stories and ride her bike.
Mason is scared of the dark.

I get to put homemade birthday cards on the refrigerator that the kids make for their dad.  Makayla fills her card with X's as in X's and O's (kisses and hugs) and Mason fills his card with little muddy puddles.

 

I have conversations about poop, cities in space, and pretty shoes.

Finding Hello Kitty band aids in my laundry and baby doll bottles in my dishwasher make me smile.

 

We have fun making tents, posting glow-in-the-dark stars on our bedroom walls, and making crafts with glitter...lots of glitter.

 

...and we're at a season in life right now where we can do things and go places with NO stroller, NO diaper bag, and all be independent from one other...like hiking at Starved Rock!

  

 

Nothing I have in this world is more precious than my children.

 

And for the past few months when I've been so very quiet on Sugar and Slugs, it's not that I've given up on my blog entirely, but I've not been able to set aside the time that I used to, to keep it updated.

I will for sure always keep Sugar and Slugs going, though, (just not updated as frequently) because this is the place that helps me to take care of my memories...

 

 

My Wedding Gown

...and the greatest of these is love.

  

The picture above was taken almost 10 years ago.
Wow.
10 years. 
That doesn't seem possible.

...and to think, for almost 10 years, my beautiful wedding gown had been in a bag, folded in half, laying in the bottom of a closet.

 

When my wedding night came to an end, I took the dress off, hung it on a hanger, put it in the bag it came in, and hung it in the closet. 
I didn't open the bag again until years later.
I never cleaned the dress, I never preserved the dress, I never had another thought again about the dress.

 

When the time came for us to move and we were packing things up, I came across the dress in it's bag.  What could I do with it?

I didn't want it.

I didn't want to keep it as a keepsake.

I knew my girls wouldn't want to wear it on their wedding day. Isn't that one of the best parts of planning a wedding - searching for your perfect dress?

I thought about turning my gown into a quilt.  Eh.

People suggested making a christening gown for any future grandchildren or whatever.

Making a tree skirt for our Christmas tree crossed my mind.

I think some people "trash" their dress - like wearing at the beach and getting pictures taken frolicking in the ocean with their husband...

After spending a lot of time tossing around different ideas, I came up with the perfect idea.  

 

First, on a warm September evening, I took Makayla and Mia out to the park at sunset.
I dressed them up in my wedding dress and took pictures of them.

pictures of my girls wearing my wedding dress.

beautiful.

lovely.

makes me tear up a bit.

makayla - age 6

mia - age 1

Then, I cut a piece off of my wedding dress -

I will put a piece of my wedding dress into two necklaces, one for each of my daughters to wear on their wedding day for their "something old".

Lastly, I cleaned away any stains that were on my dress and donated it to Allison's Angel Gowns.

"Allison’s Angel Gowns was created in honor of my infant daughter Allison, who passed away in December 2012 at one day old. Allison had full Trisomy 13. One of the things I struggled the most with was what to dress Allison in for her funeral. Finally, I was given a bereavement gown as a gift from my Pastor for her to wear. Allison’s Angel Gowns was started in 2014 as a way to help other bereaved parents that are new to the journey of child loss. We take gently used wedding gowns and transform them into beautiful gowns for angel babies. Our gowns come in four different sizes to fit from the smallest preemie to a full term baby. Currently we serve the St Louis and Metro East area hospitals. Our angel gowns are offered free of charge to anyone who loses a child and would like one. We run strictly on donations and are always accepting gently used wedding gowns, and always looking for skilled seamstresses to help us in our ministry" 

Allison's Angel Gowns has a website and a FB page.  On their FB page, they post pictures of every completed angel gown they create and from whose wedding dress they come from.  I go to their page often, scanning through the pictures, excited to possibly run across my name.  

 

So, between all of my wedding pictures with me wearing my gown, the pictures I took of my girls wearing my gown, and the piece of fabric from my wedding gown that will be worn around my daughter's necks at their weddings, there is no need for me to keep my wedding dress bagged up in the bottom of a closet forever.  I couldn't think of anything better to do with  my gown than to donate it to Allison's Angel Gowns.

If you ever consider getting rid of or doing something with your wedding gown, won't you consider Allison's Angel Gowns or any other organization that creates angel gowns?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE

14 months later (because Allison's Angel Gowns is blessed beyond measure to be working with an over abundance of wedding gowns) I have finally been able to see the gifts that my wedding dress has become -

These little teeny tiny angel gowns...

gowns that will be given to parents during the darkest moment of their lives...

gowns that will be worn by babies that will never get to go home...

gowns that  will be worn by newborns, fresh in this world...

beautiful, one-of-kind pieces of clothing that will be worn for pictures or burial...

I know the donation of my wedding dress to be made into these angel gowns doesn't make the heavy sorrow any better, but it is one way to let them know that somebody cares that their baby was here.
When I first saw these pictures of what my dress had become, I was nearly brought to tears.  My heart began to race and I my tummy turned a little bit.  I was filled with a mixture of  joy and sadness...overwhelmed with emotions.

heartbreakingly

beautiful 

Thank you to Allison's Angel Gowns and all of the volunteers that make this process possible - from collecting the dresses, to cleaning them, to sewing them, and to distributing them.
God bless you all.