Jump Into The River

The child you see today

will not be here tomorrow.

The child arriving home from school, 

is different from the one

who left from home this morning.

Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.

- from the Tao Ching

Parenting = extraordinary joy + bittersweet grief.

This month, 2 of my kids will be having birthdays.  They will turn 5 and 7.  

five and seven.

While I'm so full of joy to be celebrating their life and growing another year older with them, I'm full of grief that my babies are doing simply just that - growing another year older.

I hate that I feel this way.  
I hate that I feel like I am constantly struggling with these emotions - balancing on the fence, wobbling back and forth between happiness and sadness.

How can I truly behold a joyful moment if I'm so busy trying to cling to what is fleeting?

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

A few weeks ago, grandpa was rough housing with Mason and grandpa said "Dude, watch my hangy down parts".  Well, Makayla obviously picked up on that, because the next day, she asked me "Why does grandpa call his penis a hangy down part?  Does he not want people to know that he has a penis?".

A few nights ago, an ambulance sped down our street.  Upon hearing the sirens, the kids ran to the window.  After the ambulance passed our house, Mia turned around.  Her brows were furrowed and she threw her hands up in the air asking "Why didn't the ambulance throw out candy?!".

At least once a week, Mason will say to me "feel this..." and he'll wrap his arms around me and give me a big hug.  Then he'll ask me if that felt sweet.

My kids.
These conversations.
These questions.
These gestures.

They'll never be again.
Sure, my kids all exhibit special characteristics that make my heart pitter patter and I look forward to watching these special characteristics and traits grow along with them in life -

but the level of love and curiosity and naiveity that are present today with my kids will be different tomorrow and the next day and the next.

And if I can just come to terms with 

everything changes, nothing stays the same

I think I'll be okay.
There will be a lifetime of moments that I'll want to cling to...but I'll have to let go.

Move from one to another.

Move from one joyful moment to the next.

Immerse myself in each moment as it comes along - and then keep going.

...Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.

Lovers of Life

You guys.

Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling that life is going by too quickly.

And I don't like it.

I don't like it at all.

The other night, all three of my kids were snuggled under the covers with me in my bed.

I don't encourage them to come to bed with me, but at the same time, I don't discourage it.
Sometimes I feel like the time spent in my bed with my kids at the end of the day is the best part of the day.

They're snuggly, cuddly, giggly...and they talk to me.  They tell me stories about their day and they ask me questions - deep questions like "what do we look like in heaven" type questions.  

But the other night, when they were all climbing into bed with me, that overwhelming feeling struck me.

It struck me so hard, that I think my chin quivered.

It was Mia.

She was covering herself up, her blonde curls just a bouncing, and she looked over at me with a huge smile on her face and said (in her oh so sweet voice) "potty in big potty".  She had used the big girl potty several times that day and she was just so excited for herself.

It was then.

My chin quivered and my breath was short.

My babies are growing up.

And I know I say that all the time, but sometimes it just hits me harder than usual.

Most days, I love that my kids are growing bigger and older and more independent.  I love it.  I love watching them grow into the people that they're supposed to be and I love watching them learn and spread their wings...

but sometimes...

like the other night...

I wanted time to stop.

Stop right there.

I couldn't bare the thought of losing that moment (my 3 kids safe in my arms and their sweet innocence) and the things my kids bring to this life right now.

There's Makayla -

She's a growing six year old girl who loves Monicals Pizza and broccoli.

(the picture above is after dinner at monicals - she was a beast and ate a gross amount of pizza that night).

She's super smart and enjoys spending time on the computer - typing out word lists, sentences, or letters to people.

She's very into creating chore charts and finding ways to make and save money.  I find myself paying her the most for, not chores, but back rubs and massages.

Below is something she's made to hang on the refrigerator that we can all put our money in when we earn it.

I love the way her mind works.

She's smart, a deep thinker, and very nurturing and 

While she's growing bigger and maturing with each passing day, she'll always be my baby.

Then, there's Mason - 

He's smart, he's a goofball, and he melts my heart.  

He melts it every day.

He's too cute for his own good.

His eyes hold an enormous amount of expression and he loves to hug.

He's one of the best huggers I know.

He, too, is a deep thinker just like Makayla...always asking questions and trying to figure things out.

(while i know this is not super deep, for a 4 year old boy, I'm sure it was a major revolution)

A couple of months ago, he came out of the bathroom so excited saying

"mom!  i know why my weiner has a crack in it!"

Worried, because I wasn't sure what kind of crack he was talking about, I asked him "why".

He said

"so my pee can come out!!"

duh.

While he gets stronger and smarter (learning to write) with each passing day,  he'll always be my baby.

Finally, there's Mia - 

She's growing up way way way too fast.

She talks all the time, sleeps in a big girl bed, and has been going on the potty more and more.

The other night, she thought she had to poop, so we rush to the bathroom and she's sitting on the potty and she farts toots.  It echoed in the bowl and Mia lost it.  She died laughing.  She laughed so hard, she went silent.  Her body was bobbing up and down, he mouth was open wide, and she began drooling.  I know it was that feel-good laugh when your lips go numb from laughing so hard and long.

...all because her toot echoed in the toilet bowl - a sound she'd never heard before.

Mia is awesome at using her eyes to communicate; when we tell her we love her, she always responds back with "thank you"; and her vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds.  

She's such a happy soul and while she's growing bigger and gaining more independence with each passing day, she'll always be my baby.

So...

while I may have my moments of a quivering chin when I'm trying to catch my breath because I need time to stop right now, those moments only last for a minute or two...or three or four.

Those moments last long enough for me to give thanks for what I've been given.

They last long enough for me to open my eyes to my reality - thatlife is good and I'm so blessed to live it with Kevin and our kids. 

While I love love love what my kids bring to our life right now, the joy of being able to witness and be a part of what they will continue to bring to this world is amazing.

They are lovers of life...

and I pray that they always will be.

3 Christmas Questions

 Well, another Christmas has come and gone!

 

And all I can say is - 

We are blessed

and

I'm so thankful for everything we have in this life.

During all of the hustle and bustle of the season, I didn't forget to stop and give thanks - 

thanks for all that made up our Christmas and the days leading up and following it -

our health,

time spent with our family and friends,

our church,

baking cookies and playing games,

singing christmas songs and squinting at twinkling lights,

the smells of christmas,

fun with Chippy, our elf,

listening to the kids' prayers as they thanked god for "santa, chippy, jesus, and god",

reading christmas stories,

wearing santa claus hats,

giving and receiving,

repeating "merry christmas" over and over again,

believing in the magic...

I could go on and on - 

but, as we wrap up this season, I asked my kids these 3 questions today:

1.  What was your most favorite part about Christmas this year?
2. What was your favorite present?
3. Why do we celebrate Christmas?

 

Makayla:

1.  Decorating the Christmas tree.  And opening presents.

2.  Go Go My Walking Pup

3.  Jesus.  And so we can love each other.

Mason:

1.  Sitting on Santa's lap.

2.  Nerf Guns

(shocked that he didn't answer his Osaka Pee Guy - the one and only thing he asked for)

 

3.  To celebrate Jesus.

Mia:

(i know she's too young to fully answer the questions, but heaven forbid we leave her out!)

1.  Shrugs her shoulders 

(as she tilts her head and widens her eyes)

2.  Baby.

3.  I don't know.

(as she shrugs her shoulders, again, and smirks)

Photography is the beauty of life, captured.

 – Tara Chisholm

This picture brings me so much joy!

Opening Doors

Since Makayla was 2 (almost 3), she has been going to school.

Her first two years, she attended Mrs. Wright's preschool class at our church.

Last year, she attended Mrs. Sharp's PreK class at Carroll Catholic.

...and this year, she is in Mrs. Gandenberger's kindergarten class!

I am so very thankful for the previous years of school for Makayla.  I'm thankful for the teachers, I'm thankful for the education, I'm thankful for the experience, and I'm thankful for the preparation.  

She and I were both well prepared for the big first day of kindergarten.

I've discovered through the years, that Makayla is not one to tell me what she learned at school.  Every time I ask her, her answer is always "nothing".  So, it came to me as no big surprise when I picked her up from her first day of school today and she told me that she learned nothing...but I couldn't help but smile when on our way home, she was talking to Mason and Mia about a chrysalis (so i'm thinking she did learn something today because i've never used the word chrysalis in my entire life)!

I'm so excited to watch Makayla grow and bloom (even more, if that's possible) over this next year as she spends her time in the kindergarten classroom!!

**********************************

While Makayla is busy in kindergarten, Mason is busy in preschool!

Mason started his first school experience at age 3 in Miss Martin's preschool classroom at Carroll Catholic!  He loves it!!!  He loves going to school.  He loves writing his name, he loves playing at the train table, he loves recess, he loves learning!  He loves to tell me about his morning at school and wishes he could go to school every day.  I love to see the excitement on his face as we walk into the school and I love to see the excitement on his face when we pick him up.  

*******************************

And because Mason and Makayla are both in school, this means that one morning a week, there's

Mia and Mommy time.

Mia and I get a few hours one day a week where it's just us.

Me and her.

Nobody else.  

No other voices, no other demands.  

Nothing.

This morning, we washed bikes, played in the back yard, read books, played airplane, fed each other snacks, sat on the big girl potty....

She had my undivided attention.

We loved it!

We're looking forward to next time and are excited to have this as part of our routine...for now.

***************

The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shoreline of wonder.  

~Ralph W. Sockman

Me:  Mason, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Mason: A dad.
Me:  That's cool!
Mason:  And a fireman guy.
Me:  Cool!  Makayla, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Makayla:  A babysitter.
Mason:  Well, actually, I want to be a baby when I grow up.  

Wednesday-Sunday

Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.

-Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Aunt Nina flew home from Texas and spent 5 days at home - 

Wednesday through Sunday.

...and, thankfully, those 5 days home would put an end to missing her for awhile.  Because, really, you don't always realize how much you miss someone until you're reunited. It's like your heart has a sigh of relief and it's filled with contentment. 

****************************************

On Wednesday, the kids and I met up with grandma and grandpa to surprise Aunt Nina by picking her up at the airport.  With a bouquet of balloons in hand and excitement in the air, we welcomed Aunt Nina home!

Makayla and Mason couldn't be happier!

After picking Aunt Nina up at the airport and having dinner with her, we decorated Easter Eggs...decorated them with shaving cream.  A super fun and super messy time...and resulted in beautiful eggs!

Thursday evening was spent at church observing Maundy Thursday.  Focusing on 2 important events - The Lord's Supper (communion) and the command to love and serve one another (foot washing) - it's always a very emotional service that truly honors what took place during the Last Supper.

After leaving church, we met up and attempted Game Night.  We played a few rounds of my favorite game - Telestrations.

Friday was spent in St. Louis.

We spent the day at the zoo and spent the night at Ballpark Village.

(*flashback from one year ago*
not much has changed...i'm wearing the exact same outfit minus the sweatshirt...ooooh, my!!)

Makayla said her favorite thing at the zoo was seeing the view and watching the zebras.

Seeing the view? She makes me laugh...I don't know where she comes up with some of these things.

Mason said his favorite thing at the zoo was the hippos.  He says - The hippos went up the water and down. They're shiny.

We spent our time at Ballpark Village basking in the sun, dancing, drinking cool beverages, watching the Cardinal's on the big screen, and dining out on the patio in front of a fireplace.
It was a very pleasant evening!

 Saturday, we started our day out with an Easter Egg Hunt, headed to a birthday party for a friend at the bowling alley, and then finished our evening at Great Grandma Allen's house for an Easter Dinner.

Our Easter Dinner at Great Grandma Allen's consisted of time spent with family that we don't get to see near enough, doula/midwife/vasectomy table talk that ended in the gutter, lots of laughter, and applause - applause for something BIG - Aunt Anne pulling Makayla's FIRST tooth!

For the past 2 weeks, I have had to look at Makayla wiggling this tooth.  I would get all hot, sweaty, itchy, and nauseated at the sight of it.
I would pray every night that she would lose this darn tooth (particularly at school where I didn't have to witness it) and we could move on in life...to the next loose tooth.

Well, sure enough, Aunt Anne pulled Makayla's tooth and Makayla felt like a whole new woman.

At the moment the tooth was pulled, Makayla sort of stood in shock with her mouth hanging open.  We all clapped and cheered for her...and as much as I was dreading the moment, I am so thankful that I got to witness the moment.  I almost had a tear drop.
When the shock wore off, Makayla got hot and shy, asked me to take her sweater off (because she was so hot), and buried her face in my shoulder because she said she was embarrassed.

Not long after, she was showing her gap off walking around like she was on the Red Carpet.  Her tongue has been twisting in and out of that hole since, and I think we've all seen the space from the missing tooth about a billion times now.

Saturday night into Sunday morning, the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy visited our house!
The kids were super excited on Sunday morning to see the baskets that the Easter Bunny left and Makayla had a little bit more excitement as she discovered 4 quarters that the Tooth Fairy left her!

Sunday was spent celebrating Easter and saying farewell to Aunt Nina.

Church, lunch with Aunt Nina before she headed off back to Texas, and dinner/egg hunt at Grandma and Grandpa Curry's.

When I asked Makayla was Easter means to her, this was her response: 

Jesus rose on Easter on the cross.  The bad guys killed him and he rose on Easter.  They put him inside of a tunnel and they put a big stone on the big hole.   The angels came down and got him and took him to heaven. 

Now...when I asked Mason what Easter meant to him, this was his response:
Easter Bunny.

When I asked him what Easter and Jesus mean to him, he answered:

Scary stuff.

Happy Easter!!

...counting my blessings...