Jump Into The River

The child you see today

will not be here tomorrow.

The child arriving home from school, 

is different from the one

who left from home this morning.

Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.

- from the Tao Ching

Parenting = extraordinary joy + bittersweet grief.

This month, 2 of my kids will be having birthdays.  They will turn 5 and 7.  

five and seven.

While I'm so full of joy to be celebrating their life and growing another year older with them, I'm full of grief that my babies are doing simply just that - growing another year older.

I hate that I feel this way.  
I hate that I feel like I am constantly struggling with these emotions - balancing on the fence, wobbling back and forth between happiness and sadness.

How can I truly behold a joyful moment if I'm so busy trying to cling to what is fleeting?

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

A few weeks ago, grandpa was rough housing with Mason and grandpa said "Dude, watch my hangy down parts".  Well, Makayla obviously picked up on that, because the next day, she asked me "Why does grandpa call his penis a hangy down part?  Does he not want people to know that he has a penis?".

A few nights ago, an ambulance sped down our street.  Upon hearing the sirens, the kids ran to the window.  After the ambulance passed our house, Mia turned around.  Her brows were furrowed and she threw her hands up in the air asking "Why didn't the ambulance throw out candy?!".

At least once a week, Mason will say to me "feel this..." and he'll wrap his arms around me and give me a big hug.  Then he'll ask me if that felt sweet.

My kids.
These conversations.
These questions.
These gestures.

They'll never be again.
Sure, my kids all exhibit special characteristics that make my heart pitter patter and I look forward to watching these special characteristics and traits grow along with them in life -

but the level of love and curiosity and naiveity that are present today with my kids will be different tomorrow and the next day and the next.

And if I can just come to terms with 

everything changes, nothing stays the same

I think I'll be okay.
There will be a lifetime of moments that I'll want to cling to...but I'll have to let go.

Move from one to another.

Move from one joyful moment to the next.

Immerse myself in each moment as it comes along - and then keep going.

...Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.

My Wedding Gown

...and the greatest of these is love.

  

The picture above was taken almost 10 years ago.
Wow.
10 years. 
That doesn't seem possible.

...and to think, for almost 10 years, my beautiful wedding gown had been in a bag, folded in half, laying in the bottom of a closet.

 

When my wedding night came to an end, I took the dress off, hung it on a hanger, put it in the bag it came in, and hung it in the closet. 
I didn't open the bag again until years later.
I never cleaned the dress, I never preserved the dress, I never had another thought again about the dress.

 

When the time came for us to move and we were packing things up, I came across the dress in it's bag.  What could I do with it?

I didn't want it.

I didn't want to keep it as a keepsake.

I knew my girls wouldn't want to wear it on their wedding day. Isn't that one of the best parts of planning a wedding - searching for your perfect dress?

I thought about turning my gown into a quilt.  Eh.

People suggested making a christening gown for any future grandchildren or whatever.

Making a tree skirt for our Christmas tree crossed my mind.

I think some people "trash" their dress - like wearing at the beach and getting pictures taken frolicking in the ocean with their husband...

After spending a lot of time tossing around different ideas, I came up with the perfect idea.  

 

First, on a warm September evening, I took Makayla and Mia out to the park at sunset.
I dressed them up in my wedding dress and took pictures of them.

pictures of my girls wearing my wedding dress.

beautiful.

lovely.

makes me tear up a bit.

makayla - age 6

mia - age 1

Then, I cut a piece off of my wedding dress -

I will put a piece of my wedding dress into two necklaces, one for each of my daughters to wear on their wedding day for their "something old".

Lastly, I cleaned away any stains that were on my dress and donated it to Allison's Angel Gowns.

"Allison’s Angel Gowns was created in honor of my infant daughter Allison, who passed away in December 2012 at one day old. Allison had full Trisomy 13. One of the things I struggled the most with was what to dress Allison in for her funeral. Finally, I was given a bereavement gown as a gift from my Pastor for her to wear. Allison’s Angel Gowns was started in 2014 as a way to help other bereaved parents that are new to the journey of child loss. We take gently used wedding gowns and transform them into beautiful gowns for angel babies. Our gowns come in four different sizes to fit from the smallest preemie to a full term baby. Currently we serve the St Louis and Metro East area hospitals. Our angel gowns are offered free of charge to anyone who loses a child and would like one. We run strictly on donations and are always accepting gently used wedding gowns, and always looking for skilled seamstresses to help us in our ministry" 

Allison's Angel Gowns has a website and a FB page.  On their FB page, they post pictures of every completed angel gown they create and from whose wedding dress they come from.  I go to their page often, scanning through the pictures, excited to possibly run across my name.  

 

So, between all of my wedding pictures with me wearing my gown, the pictures I took of my girls wearing my gown, and the piece of fabric from my wedding gown that will be worn around my daughter's necks at their weddings, there is no need for me to keep my wedding dress bagged up in the bottom of a closet forever.  I couldn't think of anything better to do with  my gown than to donate it to Allison's Angel Gowns.

If you ever consider getting rid of or doing something with your wedding gown, won't you consider Allison's Angel Gowns or any other organization that creates angel gowns?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE

14 months later (because Allison's Angel Gowns is blessed beyond measure to be working with an over abundance of wedding gowns) I have finally been able to see the gifts that my wedding dress has become -

These little teeny tiny angel gowns...

gowns that will be given to parents during the darkest moment of their lives...

gowns that will be worn by babies that will never get to go home...

gowns that  will be worn by newborns, fresh in this world...

beautiful, one-of-kind pieces of clothing that will be worn for pictures or burial...

I know the donation of my wedding dress to be made into these angel gowns doesn't make the heavy sorrow any better, but it is one way to let them know that somebody cares that their baby was here.
When I first saw these pictures of what my dress had become, I was nearly brought to tears.  My heart began to race and I my tummy turned a little bit.  I was filled with a mixture of  joy and sadness...overwhelmed with emotions.

heartbreakingly

beautiful 

Thank you to Allison's Angel Gowns and all of the volunteers that make this process possible - from collecting the dresses, to cleaning them, to sewing them, and to distributing them.
God bless you all.

Just Write

I recently came across this letter I had written to Makayla and Mason:

"Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart."

makayla and mason ~

life is filled with hardship, struggles, sadness, heartbreak, and pain.

it is also filled with beauty, happiness, magic, miracles, and joy.

 your biggest worries right now in your little lives are trying to put a pair of tights on and struggling with the pain of molars coming through your baby gums.

i hope that as you get older and you begin to experience anything other than the good of this life that you will always be able to find peace within your heart.

how you get there, or whatever it is that helps you get there, is up to you.

 i want you to always be able to remember a feeling of love, appreciate and be thankful for all that you have, and focus on that.

life is good.

very good.

but it's up to you to be able to see and feel that.

mommy, daddy, and everybody else that loves you, are here every second of every day to mold you, guide you, and teach you how to love

...and hopefully one day you'll be able to learn on your own how to find peace amongst the chaos - to be calm in your heart.

love, mommy

*************************************************************

One reason for this blog is to help me focus on the GOOD.

When things get bad or people get mean, I write.
I write about the good.

To keep calm in my heart when there's chaos, 

I turn to this blog.
I write.

As I was reminded in church this morning, everybody has a bad list and everybody has a good list.

How you react to a situation, the negativity or positivity you bring to a moment, determines where your life goes next...
and I refuse to let the negative control who I am or how I live.

I choose to to write about the good and to photograph the beautiful.

By doing so, the bad kinda disappears...
the bad doesn't seem so bad.

I began this blog over three years ago and have written 300+ entries.
Since I started writing about what I love and what brings me JOY, I have begun to see life more beautifully and I find myself appreciating so much more.

Don't get me wrong - 
the people and the situations that I can write on my "bad list" are still there, but the weight of the bad isn't as heavy when I am able to focus and record all of the things on my "good list".

...so back to my letter to Makayla and Mason (and now Mia), my hope for them is that they will always have peace in their hearts and to rejoice in those moments when they feel like they can't.

My advice to them will be to write.

Write down what makes you happy.
Write down all of the goodness that sparkles in your life.

Write down those moments that make you close your eyes, take in a deep breath, and smile.

Write down your blessings.
Write down what you love.
Write down who you love and why.

Just write.

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."

- William Wordsworth

...and that's what I do.

I write about things that matter to me.

I am honest and raw and vulnerable and passionate.

I write about what keeps my heart beating.

Old Draft

While cleaning up my blog, I ran across several drafts - blogs that I started and never finished.  Below is one of those drafts - a blog I started in February 2013...and never finished it.  Why didn't I finish it?  Maybe I was afraid of offending people...or maybe I was afraid of the debate it might create...or maybe I was writing it for the wrong reasons...or maybe I just wasn't sure how to end it...but either way, I like where I was going with it. 

Reading it now, I have the urge to continue it - to end the post, but I'll just leave it.  Leave it as it is. 

*******************************************************************


Being asked to decide between your passion for work and your passion for children is like being asked by your doctor whether you prefer him to remove your brain or your heart. 

- Mary Kay Blakely

  Collectively, after time off from each baby, I have had 36 weeks of being a stay-at-home mom. 

It is a hard job to stay at home day after day to raise your kids and it is also a hard job to raise your kids as a mother with a career.  Being a stay-at-home mom and a working mom are both hard...each in their own ways.

I love being a mother and I love having a career, and even though it is not easy, it is indeed possible to be  successful in your career and be a loving parent.  Just because I've chosen to raise my kids while also having a career, I still have respect for those mothers who choose the opposite - to stay at home with their kids.  I appreciate the respect in return.

I love my children and I love them more than anything else on this Earth. 

 I love the way Mason holds his spoon, the way Makayla plays house, and the sweet sound of Mia's voice as she squeals and talks. I love the way Mason snuggles against me when he gets up from his nap, the way Makayla applauds herself after practicing her letters, and the way Mia stares in amazement when she shakes her rattle.  I love the way Mason says "horse poop" every single time he smells something stinky, how proud Makayla is when she holds her baby sister, and the way Mia starts to excitedly pant with a smile on her face when she knows I'm going to feed her.  I love Mason's continued passion for bowling, when Makayla makes a club house under Mia's crib, and when Mia doesn't take her eyes off of me for one second when she's in the arms of someone else.  I love my kids' character, the strength of their hugs, and where their imaginations take them. I love to kiss their cheeks and hold them tight.
...I could hold them forever.

When I leave them to go to work, I miss them so much.  I miss every single thing about them -

but...

all of this is still waiting for me when I get home from work, and in the meantime, my kids are sharing their love and joy while soaking in the love from some of their most important role models - teachers, baby sitters, grandparents...

~ I love missing my kids all day long.
At the end of the work day, I love the way they greet me when I pick them up from daycare.  I love to see Mason's eyes light up as soon as I pull in the driveway as he is waiting for me at the front door.  I can read his little lips yelling "mommy!  mommy!  mommy!" and I get a kick out of how he sometimes pushes the other kids out of the way saying "MY mommy".  I love how Makayla prances over to me excited to tell me about her day and what she learned in school ate for a snack in school.  And I'm looking so very forward to seeing Mia's big ol' grin and her eyes beaming with excitement when I get to pick her up and finally hold her in my arms again at the end of the day.  

Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, and to work, and to play and to look up at the stars. 

- Henry Van Dyke


...if there's one thing I hope for my kids when they become parents, I hope that they don't give up on work and education.

...after being gone from my kids all day, when we are together, it's about them. Always. i'm ready to give them my all.

...no matter what, my children always have and always will come first.

....challenging, chaotic, balancing act = great joys, rewards are sweet and rich

Jar O' Marbles

We are trying something new in our house -
Positive reinforcement with a marble jar.

Makayla and Mason each got a jar that they decorated with paint, stickers, and jewels.

These jars are very special and every time the kids do something good or kind without being prompted, they get to put a marble in their jar. 

If they have good behavior or remember their manners, they get to put a marble in their jar.
If they do a chore without being reminded, they get a marble.

Some ways they have earned their marbles so far:

eating all of their food at meal time

sharing a special treat with someone

picking up their rooms

brushing their teeth

wearing a helmet while riding a bike

putting dirty dishes in the sink

putting their clean laundry away

folding laundry

Bigger marbles are earned by doing something "extra" special.

Once their jar is filled up (or filled to the line), they get a prize!

So far, this is working like a charm...especially for Makayla! 

Here are how marbles are earned according to the kids:

Mom:  What are some things you can do to earn marbles?

Makayla:  'Cause I been good.  If I do something good.

Mom:  Like what?
Makayla:  Like helping mommy do stuff.  Or when I eat all my dinner.  I get to put a  marble in my jar.

Mommy:  Mason, if you do something to make mommy very happy, you get to put a marble in your jar.  What are some things that make mommy very happy?

Mason:  'Cause.

Mommy:  Tell mommy what you can do to get a marble in your jar.

Mason:  Eat all my chicken.

Mommy:  What else can you do to get a marble in your jar?
Mason:  Eat all my fish.

Mason must like the white marbles...and by golly he must know how happy it makes me when he cleans his plate!

Responsibility Chart

Look what we have!
(given to Makayla by Brenda)

A Responsibility Chart!

It comes with 25 chores and responsibilities.

...and what I really like about it is that it includes traits that we all need to possess to successfully make it through life:

No Teasing 

Apologize

Show Respect

I picked the top seven age appropriate responsibilites that Makayla could work on.  Her goals are as follows:

*Feed Chief and Rascal and make sure there is water in their bowl.

*Brush her teeth every night before bed.

*Pick up her toys in the living room at the end of the day and work on putting some toys away before getting new ones out.

*Stop whining.

*Share toys with Mason and her friends at daycare and school.

*Say "please" and "thank you".

*Stop fighting mommy and daddy about when to go to bed.

(which by the way, if anybody has any good tips/tricks for a good bedtime routine, send them my way!)



...Then, if she's does her chore/responsibility for the day, she gets to pick a magnetic smiley face out and put it on her board.  If at they end of the week, she has enough smiley faces, then she'll get a surprise.

I plan on sitting down with her tonight and explaining her goals and responsibilities to her and why they are important. Then we'll put this in action starting tomorrow. 

If we had already been following this chart, she probably would not be getting a smiley face today for saying "please" and "thank you".  When we went out to lunch today, the waiter gave Makayla a cup of Rootbeer.  She refused to say "thank you".  I told her that if she can't thank the waiter for her soda, then she will not get to drink it.  She once again refused to say "thank you".  After a couple of minutes, my soda lover said "Soda's not healthy.  I don't want it." - and I think she only said that because she thought she wouldn't have to say "thank you" if she said she didn't want the soda. 

Makayla's a good little girl, but I look forward to using this chart and watching her grow and mature even more.

Thank you, Brenda!

Art Book

Sunday Morning Art

Still in her Justin Bieber tshirt from the day before, Makayla woke up Sunday morning excited to paint with watercolors from QTips.

My kids LOVE to make art.  They love to color, paint, cut, glue, sprinkle glitter, experiment, and make a mess!

I could save their art forever, filled in a tub, stored in the closet...

...or I could make a book of their art.

Pretty soon, Makayla is going to accumulate enough art for her first book.  I plan to take a picture of each piece of art and create a book on Shutterfly. 

Here are the first set of pictures I've taken of her art.  Each piece of art will have it's own page in the book.

...Just another book of memories and something fun to flip through and look back on!