Jump Into The River

The child you see today

will not be here tomorrow.

The child arriving home from school, 

is different from the one

who left from home this morning.

Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.

- from the Tao Ching

Parenting = extraordinary joy + bittersweet grief.

This month, 2 of my kids will be having birthdays.  They will turn 5 and 7.  

five and seven.

While I'm so full of joy to be celebrating their life and growing another year older with them, I'm full of grief that my babies are doing simply just that - growing another year older.

I hate that I feel this way.  
I hate that I feel like I am constantly struggling with these emotions - balancing on the fence, wobbling back and forth between happiness and sadness.

How can I truly behold a joyful moment if I'm so busy trying to cling to what is fleeting?

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

A few weeks ago, grandpa was rough housing with Mason and grandpa said "Dude, watch my hangy down parts".  Well, Makayla obviously picked up on that, because the next day, she asked me "Why does grandpa call his penis a hangy down part?  Does he not want people to know that he has a penis?".

A few nights ago, an ambulance sped down our street.  Upon hearing the sirens, the kids ran to the window.  After the ambulance passed our house, Mia turned around.  Her brows were furrowed and she threw her hands up in the air asking "Why didn't the ambulance throw out candy?!".

At least once a week, Mason will say to me "feel this..." and he'll wrap his arms around me and give me a big hug.  Then he'll ask me if that felt sweet.

My kids.
These conversations.
These questions.
These gestures.

They'll never be again.
Sure, my kids all exhibit special characteristics that make my heart pitter patter and I look forward to watching these special characteristics and traits grow along with them in life -

but the level of love and curiosity and naiveity that are present today with my kids will be different tomorrow and the next day and the next.

And if I can just come to terms with 

everything changes, nothing stays the same

I think I'll be okay.
There will be a lifetime of moments that I'll want to cling to...but I'll have to let go.

Move from one to another.

Move from one joyful moment to the next.

Immerse myself in each moment as it comes along - and then keep going.

...Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.