Jump Into The River

The child you see today

will not be here tomorrow.

The child arriving home from school, 

is different from the one

who left from home this morning.

Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.

- from the Tao Ching

Parenting = extraordinary joy + bittersweet grief.

This month, 2 of my kids will be having birthdays.  They will turn 5 and 7.  

five and seven.

While I'm so full of joy to be celebrating their life and growing another year older with them, I'm full of grief that my babies are doing simply just that - growing another year older.

I hate that I feel this way.  
I hate that I feel like I am constantly struggling with these emotions - balancing on the fence, wobbling back and forth between happiness and sadness.

How can I truly behold a joyful moment if I'm so busy trying to cling to what is fleeting?

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

A few weeks ago, grandpa was rough housing with Mason and grandpa said "Dude, watch my hangy down parts".  Well, Makayla obviously picked up on that, because the next day, she asked me "Why does grandpa call his penis a hangy down part?  Does he not want people to know that he has a penis?".

A few nights ago, an ambulance sped down our street.  Upon hearing the sirens, the kids ran to the window.  After the ambulance passed our house, Mia turned around.  Her brows were furrowed and she threw her hands up in the air asking "Why didn't the ambulance throw out candy?!".

At least once a week, Mason will say to me "feel this..." and he'll wrap his arms around me and give me a big hug.  Then he'll ask me if that felt sweet.

My kids.
These conversations.
These questions.
These gestures.

They'll never be again.
Sure, my kids all exhibit special characteristics that make my heart pitter patter and I look forward to watching these special characteristics and traits grow along with them in life -

but the level of love and curiosity and naiveity that are present today with my kids will be different tomorrow and the next day and the next.

And if I can just come to terms with 

everything changes, nothing stays the same

I think I'll be okay.
There will be a lifetime of moments that I'll want to cling to...but I'll have to let go.

Move from one to another.

Move from one joyful moment to the next.

Immerse myself in each moment as it comes along - and then keep going.

...Every moment is a death

of all that has gone before,

and a birth

of all that is to come.

You must jump into the river

and let it carry you on its journey.
If you try to stop it

you will drown.

Lovers of Life

You guys.

Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling that life is going by too quickly.

And I don't like it.

I don't like it at all.

The other night, all three of my kids were snuggled under the covers with me in my bed.

I don't encourage them to come to bed with me, but at the same time, I don't discourage it.
Sometimes I feel like the time spent in my bed with my kids at the end of the day is the best part of the day.

They're snuggly, cuddly, giggly...and they talk to me.  They tell me stories about their day and they ask me questions - deep questions like "what do we look like in heaven" type questions.  

But the other night, when they were all climbing into bed with me, that overwhelming feeling struck me.

It struck me so hard, that I think my chin quivered.

It was Mia.

She was covering herself up, her blonde curls just a bouncing, and she looked over at me with a huge smile on her face and said (in her oh so sweet voice) "potty in big potty".  She had used the big girl potty several times that day and she was just so excited for herself.

It was then.

My chin quivered and my breath was short.

My babies are growing up.

And I know I say that all the time, but sometimes it just hits me harder than usual.

Most days, I love that my kids are growing bigger and older and more independent.  I love it.  I love watching them grow into the people that they're supposed to be and I love watching them learn and spread their wings...

but sometimes...

like the other night...

I wanted time to stop.

Stop right there.

I couldn't bare the thought of losing that moment (my 3 kids safe in my arms and their sweet innocence) and the things my kids bring to this life right now.

There's Makayla -

She's a growing six year old girl who loves Monicals Pizza and broccoli.

(the picture above is after dinner at monicals - she was a beast and ate a gross amount of pizza that night).

She's super smart and enjoys spending time on the computer - typing out word lists, sentences, or letters to people.

She's very into creating chore charts and finding ways to make and save money.  I find myself paying her the most for, not chores, but back rubs and massages.

Below is something she's made to hang on the refrigerator that we can all put our money in when we earn it.

I love the way her mind works.

She's smart, a deep thinker, and very nurturing and 

While she's growing bigger and maturing with each passing day, she'll always be my baby.

Then, there's Mason - 

He's smart, he's a goofball, and he melts my heart.  

He melts it every day.

He's too cute for his own good.

His eyes hold an enormous amount of expression and he loves to hug.

He's one of the best huggers I know.

He, too, is a deep thinker just like Makayla...always asking questions and trying to figure things out.

(while i know this is not super deep, for a 4 year old boy, I'm sure it was a major revolution)

A couple of months ago, he came out of the bathroom so excited saying

"mom!  i know why my weiner has a crack in it!"

Worried, because I wasn't sure what kind of crack he was talking about, I asked him "why".

He said

"so my pee can come out!!"

duh.

While he gets stronger and smarter (learning to write) with each passing day,  he'll always be my baby.

Finally, there's Mia - 

She's growing up way way way too fast.

She talks all the time, sleeps in a big girl bed, and has been going on the potty more and more.

The other night, she thought she had to poop, so we rush to the bathroom and she's sitting on the potty and she farts toots.  It echoed in the bowl and Mia lost it.  She died laughing.  She laughed so hard, she went silent.  Her body was bobbing up and down, he mouth was open wide, and she began drooling.  I know it was that feel-good laugh when your lips go numb from laughing so hard and long.

...all because her toot echoed in the toilet bowl - a sound she'd never heard before.

Mia is awesome at using her eyes to communicate; when we tell her we love her, she always responds back with "thank you"; and her vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds.  

She's such a happy soul and while she's growing bigger and gaining more independence with each passing day, she'll always be my baby.

So...

while I may have my moments of a quivering chin when I'm trying to catch my breath because I need time to stop right now, those moments only last for a minute or two...or three or four.

Those moments last long enough for me to give thanks for what I've been given.

They last long enough for me to open my eyes to my reality - thatlife is good and I'm so blessed to live it with Kevin and our kids. 

While I love love love what my kids bring to our life right now, the joy of being able to witness and be a part of what they will continue to bring to this world is amazing.

They are lovers of life...

and I pray that they always will be.

Enjoying December

These three smiles...

These three smiles are just a few of the many things I am thankful for this holiday season.

It's these smiles that reel me back into reality...and it's these smiles that help me to remember some very important things that my beautiful babes have taught me.

They've taught me to be hopeful about everything in life.

They've taught me to believe in the magic.

They've taught me how to find joy through the good and the bad.

They've taught me to be thankful in all things - even the smallest things.

They've taught me much...

and...

as I reflect on that thought 

- being thankful in even the smallest things -

there are many things that I am thankful for this December.

Aside from good health, family & friends, and the other more obvious reasons to be thankful, 

there are many other smaller things that I'm thankful for -

little things that cause me to close my eyes, take in a deep breath, and thank God that I'm here - living this life.

Things like...

a walk through a tree farm - 

the fun we have with Chippy, our Elf on a Shelf -

Click HERE to read about our first encounter with the elf 3 years ago.

building gingerbread houses and baking cookies -

being able to watch my kids put their touch on our christmas tree -

being able to attend and watch my kids have fun and learn through their christmas programs at church and at school - 

listening to christmas songs...and singing and dancing along - 

freezing our butts off at the christmas parade -

reading christmas wish lists - 

our visits with santa - 

a drive through the festival of lights and neighborhoods looking at christmas lights -  

These are just some of the little things I'm thankful for this holiday season...

the little things that make a big difference.

And while this may not seem like a big deal, I truly believe that it's important to recognize (with gratitude) those little things that are a part of our lives.

So, back to those three smiles that changed my life -

I'm so very thankful for them.

...here's to enjoying december!!

Miss Mia Grace, I Love

Oh, Miss Mia Grace

I love you.

There's so much I want to write about you, 

but all I keep going back to is - I Love You.

Every Wednesday morning, I get to be all alone with you.  

Your brother and sister are off at school and it's just you and me.

Every Wednesday night, daddy and I get to be all alone with you.  

Your brother and sister are off at church and it's just you, me, and daddy.

I cherish our time together and soak in every single second of us being alone (because it doesn't come often), but I can't help but giggle when you constantly spend our alone time asking where Sissy and Bubby are.  You throw your hands up, shrug your shoulder, furrow your brows and ask "Sissy?".  I tell you she's at school or at church and you go through the same motions for Mason - you ask "Bubby?".  I tell you he's at school or at church and then you say "Pick up".  We have this conversation over and over again throughout our Wednesdays together.  

I love it. 

I love our conversation.

I love that you growing bigger and bigger.

You're getting smarter and funnier and ornerier and

...and you're just growing up.

My baby is growing up.

You are at an age where you are very influential.

You are picking up on words and actions so very quickly.

You are smart.  So smart.

Last week, Mason taught you to say "shush up".  While you don't know what that means, you know it's not something nice to say and you like to say it a lot to get a rise out of mommy and to spread laughter to your brother and sister.

...and that laughter - that laughter between you , Mason, and Makayla.
I love it.
I love it so much.

I thank God countless times a day for what the three of you have with each other.

I love you, Mia.

I love your laughter.

I love how your eyes sparkle with JOY...and I love how you smile with your eyes!
I love how you touch my hair when it's wet and ask "shower?" and then gently roughly comb through it with your comb.

I love how you always want me to check for boogas (boogers) in your nose.

I love how you think all of your shoes are so pretty and that you want me to put pretty (blush) on your cheeks so you can look pretty.  You love to be pretty.

I love how you are such a good mommy.  You love to bounce your baby.  You love to feed your baby.  You love to put your baby night-night.  You love to be a mother to your baby, to your pretty baby.

I love how you hug me and cuddle into me.  I love your tiny arms around my neck and I love how you are always leaning in for a kiss.
I love that you've learned that "purple" is a color, so everything is always purple. 

I love how you are so quick to bring Mason his blankie when he's hurt or upset.

I love that you always ask for jelly on your toast.

I love that you still want me (or let me...i'm not sure) to rock you to sleep at night.

I love how you are so genuinely concerned when you hear a baby or child crying.  Your eyes get sad and you repeat over and over again "cry".

I love to watch you dance.  You are the star of our dance parties.
I love that you're talking more and making sentences.  

It's so fun to watch you grow into a little girl.

I'm so thankful for you.
I'm thankful for the love you give me and for all that you've taught me.

I'm thankful for the love, laughter, and joy you bring to our family.
I'm thankful to live this life with you, Mia.

I love you.

Maxine. Obsessed.

About 1 year ago, Makayla began talking about my mommy's mommy (my mom's mom, my grandma).

And when I say "talking" I mean "obsessing".

For a year now, 

Makayla prays for her,

draws pictures of her,

and talks about her routinely.

My grandma has been gone for over 10 years now.
Makayla has never met her, I don't have framed pictures of her around the house (but thinking about changing that), and she's rarely brought up in conversation.

I do not know what brought about this obsession.

Makayla prays for her at home, school, and church.  Throughout the year, we've had notes sent home to us saying that "Makayla prayed for her mommy's grandma today".

She will randomly draw pictures of  her - pictures of her laying in bed, pictures of her in a field of flowers...

Whenever someone passes away, Makayla will let us know that he or she is probably up in heaven playing cards with Maxine.

It's kind of creepy.

About a month ago, I decided I'd show Makayla a couple of pictures I had of my grandma...because up until this point, Makayla had never even seen a picture of her.
(why i find it even more strange to have an obsession over someone she has never seen before).

All Makayla could say when looking at these pictures was

"Awwww, look at her cute blonde hair!!"

Well, tonight the kids and I started an adventure.
We chased a rainbow.
We were trying to get to the end of it and while the kids were having a blast and falling into the magic of it all, I started to get bored of it after about 30 minutes.

Driving through the country, we passed a cemetery and it jogged my memory of a conversation we had with Makayla a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago, as we drove past a cemetery, Makayla asked if that was Maxine's cemetery (yet, just another strange - out of the blue - conversation about Maxine with Makayla)...so, remembering her being inquisitive about where Maxine was buried, I got the idea of taking her out to my grandma's grave.

Makayla was excited!

Upon seeing her grave Makayla got sad and said "awwwww, poor maxine".  She said she was sad and felt bad for Maxine because she passed away.

I told her not to be sad because Maxine is in Heaven!!  There's no better place than Heaven and she is SO happy right now.

Makayla wanted to "bury her body up".  I told her we couldn't dig her up...that she's buried super deep and all we would find are bones.  Her bones are here, but here spirit is up in Heaven with Jesus.
(thank goodness she didn't ask me what 'spirit' was)

Then she wanted to know who carried her body here (to her grave) and I told her that big strong men did.

She had good questions and I couldn't believe I was actually having this conversation with my 5 year old daughter who was SO intrigued and SO happy to be talking about Maxine and to finally be seeing where she was buried.

While walking around the cemetery, Makayla wanted to know how my grandma died.  

My grandma surprisingly died in her sleep one night at home so no one really knows why she died, but I told Makayla that she died of a broken heart because that's what I truly believe.

My grandma died a couple years after my grandpa's death and without having any known sickness or health issues, I believe that she missed my grandpa too much to live on.  I like to think that he came in the night and took her up to Heaven with him.

But...of course, Makayla asked me how her heart broke, which led into conversation about my grandpa, what his name was (weldon), how he died (sick lungs), and how much my grandma loved him.

It got deep.

I was trying to think of a way to get to the shallow end when all of sudden Makayla threw her arms up in the air and got terribly upset because there were not flowers on Maxine's grave!!

  

Man, that girl!! - she's always amazing me.

I made a promise on the way back to the car that we would get flowers and bring them back to Maxine's grave soon.

I know Makayla won't forget...

Thank you, Makayla, for making me miss my grandma more than I ever have...

 and thank you for bringing her to my thoughts almost daily.  

Thank you for forcing me to speak her name and to remember life with her.