Staying On The Fence

Sometimes, I have this feeling that I'm falling off of a fence.

I've only noticed this feeling when it comes to my kids -

more specifically when it comes to my kids growing up.

Usually I'm walking along the top of the fence and it feels good...it feels right.  I can go through life walking along the top of the fence like it's no big deal.   Every so often, though, I feel like I am going to lose my balance.  My legs get wobbly, my heart races, and I have to throw my arms out to my side to catch myself.  

...and I usually do.  I catch myself and I don't fall off.

Sound weird?
Confused?

Well, the other day, we decided to drive up to Chicago to have lunch at the Rainforest Cafe.  As Kevin was helping Mason get dressed, he asked if he should put underwear or a pull-up on him since we'd be in the car for awhile and he would probably fall asleep (usually he sleeps too deep to wake up for the potty).

I thought about it for a second and decided to go with underwear.  Mason does a pretty awesome job wearing underwear and I was confident in him that he would do just fine. (which he did - he did great!  we just had to make about 125 stops so he could "go potty"...only going potty at one of those 125 stops)

But it was right there.

Right when I said "underwear".
I wobbled.
I wobbled a tiny bit on that fence. My heart fluttered and I had to put my arms up.
I didn't fall off, though, because Mason being able to wear underwear is right where we want to be.

It just made me wobble a little bit because it's, yet, another sign that my baby boy isn't such a baby anymore.

Kevin said "Say Cheese!", so Mason yells "Poopy Butt Weiner" -

Last week when I had to tell the babysitter that in two weeks Makayla wouldn't be coming to daycare anymore because she was going to be attending PreK all day every day, I wobbled a little bit.
Brenda has played such an important role in Makayla's life for the past 4.5 years, and taking her away from that environment is going to be a big change for us...but...when I got wobbly, I didn't fall off the fence because preparing Makayla for Kindergarten and seeing the excitement in her eyes as she talks about going to a BIG school makes me happy.  Moving Makayla from daycare to PreK will be tough, but watching her grow up and become more and more independent is right where we want to be.  

The other morning when I walked into Mia's room, she was sitting up playing peacefully in her crib.  I got really wobbly and my heart began to race.

My baby - my last baby - is getting big!
Although I didn't fall off the fence that morning, I came really close.  Seeing her sitting up entertaining herself that morning reminded me that her "baby days" are fleeting.

I tend to really lose my balance when it comes to Mia.

Everything she does - every stage she goes through - is the last time I get to experience it...whatever it may be.

No matter what it is that makes me lose my balance on the fence and gives me the feeling of falling off, I usually always end up catching myself.

Sometimes...I fall, though.

I do have my days - days...but mostly nights, that i do shed a few tears.  

Life is good and my kids are precious.

Sometimes I fall off that fence because I want to hold on to what we have right now.
I want to freeze time, I want to keep my kids little forever.

I shed my tears, kiss my kids, and get back up on that fence.
I thank God that I'm blessed with this beautiful life and remind myself of a sweet little book -

"If I Could Keep You Little"

-Marianne Richmond

If I could keep you little,
I'd hum you lullabies.
But then I'd miss you singing
your concert's big surprise.

If I could keep you little,
I'd hold your hand everywhere.
But then I'd miss you knowing,
"I can go... you stay there."

If I could keep you little,
I'd kiss your cuts and scrapes.
But then I'd miss you
learning from your own mistakes.

If I could keep you little,
I'd strap you in real tight.
But then I'd miss you swinging
from your treetop height.

If I could keep you little,
I'd decide on matching clothes.
But then I'd miss you choosing
dots on top and stripes below.

If I could keep you little,
I'd cut your bread into shapes.
But then I'd miss you finding,
"Hey! I like ketchup with my grapes!"

If I could keep you little,
I'd tell you stories every night.
But then I'd miss you reading
the words you've learned by sight.

If I could keep you little,
I'd push you anywhere.
But then I'd miss you feeling
your speed from here to there!

If I could keep you little,
I'd pick for you a friend or two.
But then I'd miss you finding
friends you like who like you too!

If I could keep you little,
we'd finger-paint our art.
But then I'd miss you creating
stories from you heart.

If I could keep you little,
I'd push your ducky float.
But then I'd miss you feeling
the wind behind summer's boat.

If I could keep you little,
we'd nap in our fort midday.
But then I'd miss you sharing
adventures from camp away.

If I could keep you little,
I'd fly you with my feet.
But then I'd miss you seeing
sky and clouds from your seat.

If I could keep you little,
I'd keep you close to me.
But then I'd miss you growing
into who you're meant to be!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, when I start to get wobbly on the fence and feel like I'm going to fall...

I'm going to stay strong, keep my balance, and remind myself of all the amazing things that are yet to come!