I Never Want To Forget

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, and the things you never want to lose.

　

Initially, this blog was meant for us to share all of the crazy funny stories about our kids who make us laugh every day. I’m finding out, though, that most of these stories are “you had to be there” moments. A lot of the little things that make us laugh (a funny look here, a one-liner there) are not exactly ‘blog’ material.

I know that I never want to forget what I love about my children. I never want to forget the things that make us smile, the things that make us laugh. I never want to forget the things that amaze us, that leave us in awe. I never want to forget the big things or the little things.

I never want to forget.

I want to remember as much as I can about my children growing up. I know when you love someone so much and they are so deeply a part of your being and soul, you think that you will never forget. Well, as the years go on and we grow and change, and our lives get busier, those ‘memories’ that I don’t ever want to forget may start slowing slipping away.

I’m not going to allow that to happen.

I have been and will continue to use this blog as a space to document all of those ‘things’ and ‘stories’ that I don’t ever want to forget. This blog will be a gift to Kevin and myself and to our children one day. How neat it will be to print into a book all of the posts from the day we started this until the day we end - filled with pictures and comments. I think that’s something to treasure and definitely something my kids will love.

So, when I write about things like Makayla saying “boobies” for blue berries and Mason struggling with the pain of his first tooth coming in - those stories may not seem important, but they are a big deal to us.

Those stories are our life - it’s what make us who we are. It’s the memories I never want to forget.

　

　

It's What She Says

Oh My Doogness!!

She says the word "good" backwards, so it always comes out as "doog".  Well, when she says "Oh My Doogness", the 'G' is silent and she emphasizes and draws out 'Doo'.  Any itty bitty thing that surprises or shocks her, she exclaims "Oh My Doogness".  Any itty bitty thing that might not be the 'right thing' to do, she'll mumble in a little sly voice "oh my doogness".

That's Funny!!

Almost everything is "That's funny"!  I can put a cup in the dishwasher and she'll say "that's funny"!  The cat can meow and she'll say "that's funny"!  Everything is funny!  Everything!

Just ONE More!!

Makayla is very good at asking for "just one more".  If she is putting on my lipgloss and I tell her to put away, she'll look at me with her finger pointing, and say "just ONE more".  If we're talking about candy and I ask her to put it away, she might add on to the end of it "just ONE more...baby bite".  When she's not ready to be done with something, she'll always say (not ask) with her finger waving in the air "Just ONE more". 

There are other strange things that Makayla says every day, like "Cock-a-doodle-doo", but the three sayings above are the things that she is guaranteed to say quite often every day...And as often as we hear her say these things, they still make us laugh. 

That's funny.

See This...

See this little boy...

He's amazing and lights up my world.

He has a little tiny freckle behind his right knee.

He loves graham crackers.

See this little girl...

She's amazing and lights up my world.

She has a tiny freckle on her lower leg that she has named Molly.

She makes me laugh every single day at least 50 times a day (no exaggeration).

Together they do silly (entertaining) things like this...

Big sister feeding little brother...with zero assistance from mommy.

The end result...If he could talk, he would say "You seriously let my 2 year old sister feed me?!"

 Here is  recap from our Beautiful Easter weekend...

Makayla does not like to be up close and personal with the Easter bunny.  She LOVES to talk about the Easter Bunny, but that's it!

Mr. Mason wearing an adorable outfit that my Aunt Ann made for him.  I was hoping he could wear it as his 'Easter outfit', but it was a little too chilly for it. 

Chasing bubbles...(one of my favorite things to do, too)

Cousins are those childhood playmates who grow up to be forever friends – Author Unknown.

Just another memory being made with friends, Ty-ee and Tole...something I wish my kids could experience with all of their cousins.

We had a gorgeous Easter weekend and we are so thankful for all that we have been given.

The joyful news that He is risen does not change the contemporary world. Still before us lie work, discipline, sacrifice. But the fact of Easter gives us the spiritual power to do the work, accept the discipline, and make the sacrifice. Henry Knox Sherrill

 

Two Major Events

Two posts in one day!  Yikes!  That's what happens when I have a day off of work and I'm home alone!

Two major events yesterday:

1. Kevin and I were lucky enough to see Sir Elton John.  It's been a dream of mine to see him and now I have.  It's checked off of the Bucket List.  I can't even begin to describe how I felt leading up to the moment of seeing him and the entire time he was on the stage.   He's a legend.  He's brilliant.  Just to be in his presence was incredible.  I know!  I know!  If you don't appreciate Elton John and his talent, then you will never understand the love I have for him and his music.  I enjoyed myself so much last night and I still have goosebumps from it.  It was definitely an unforgettable evening. 

 He was singing "Tiny Dancer".  I couldn't help myself!

2.  Yesterday was March 17, 2011 - making Mason 7 months old!  7 months!  Wow! 

Not a whole lot has changed since his 6 month update.  He is eating a lot more foods.  One thing Mason likes to eat is frozen fruit in a mesh bag.  He totally acts like he doesn't like it, yet he can't keep it out of his mouth. 

**Which reminds me - go back and check the blog from a couple of days ago when I talked about how much he hates his puffs.  I posted a couple of pictures of it! 

He is also Soooo close to sitting up.  He can sit up by himself for a little bit, but it's not the "big, strong, I'm sitting up all by myself" type of sitting up and I still put pillows around him to catch him for when he falls.  Other than that, he's the same little boy - laughing all the time and smiling non-stop...filling our lives with joy!!   

i heart faces: Wind

It isn't how much time you spend somewhere that makes it memorable; it's how you spend the time.

-David Brenner

This week's challenge at i heart faces is "wind". 

Father and daughter.

Building a sandcastle together.

Seagulls and waves.

Warm sun and beach breeze.

Perfect.

i heart faces

Five Fun Facts In Life Right Now

So, I learned this week that Makayla weighs 23 pounds.  She is in the 1% of weight with kids her age.  Somebody's gotta be there, right?!  I learned of her weight while we were visiting the doctor due to daily complaints for 3 months about Makayla's belly hurting at her belly button for about a minute each day.  I've been struggling to figure out if this is a 'real' pain or not, and if it is - what's causing it?  Does she have to go potty?  Is it gas?  Is it reflux?  What is it?  She doesn't have any other symptoms, so for this week, we are going to keep a food diary.  We'll go from there.  Who knows - Makayla made a comment that the doctor made her belly all better, so maybe the 'pain' is gone.  We'll see!

Makayla loves to go Potty in Public.  I actually think that it's one of her favorite things to do - Potty in Public.  Last night, we were heading out to Wal-Mart and I asked Makayla if she needed to go potty before we left.  She responded with "No, Wal-Mart has potties".  Aaaah, she makes me laugh.  She is so funny!...and amazes me with the things that she says.

Sometimes, Mason gets to babbling so loud and so hard.  It sounds like he has a passion for what he's preachin'.  There's one sound that he verbalizes frequently and one time I asked Makayla what he was saying.  She quickly responded with "Sponge Bob" - like as 'you seriously don't know what he's saying?'...Now - all I hear when Mason gets going is "Sponge Bob, Sponge Bob, Sponge Bob" over and over again.  It puts a smile on my face.

With each passing day, Makayla and Mason develop a stronger and stronger relationship with each other.  She loves to get down in his face and talk 'baby talk' and emphasize her words and expressions with him, being very dramatic.  She loves to cuddle him and hug him.  Tonight, as a storm was passing through - Mason was bawling.  He was bawling because he was hungry.  Makayla didn't know that though, and thought he was crying because of the thunder.  She came over to him as I was getting his jammies on and kissed him and said "It's okay, buddy.  It's only thunder".  Then she stood up and yelled at the windows "Go Away Thunder!  Go Away".  It melted my heart. 

Mason hates his puffs.  Well, actually I can't tell if he hates them or if he is just taking a reeeaaally long time to get use to the texture.  When I put one in his mouth, he gets the most disgusted look on his face, and then begins blowing bubbles, spitting, sticking his tongue out - doing whatever he can to get that puff out of his mouth.  It is so entertaining and I can't help myself but tofeed the poor boy puffs every night.  He makes me laugh so hard.  I will definitely post a picture of his reaction to a puff in his mouth.  He's hilarious!

This is after the first puff.  Blowing bubbles, spitting, watery eyes...

This is me trying to give him a second puff...He doesn't want it.  Don't worry - I didn't force it on him.  He won and didn't have to eat a second just for my enjoyment. 

Not My Words 2

At night, when the kids go to bed, I have "my time".  I use that time by picking up the house, catching up on shows, or reading my favorite blogs.  Well, the other night, Kevin caught me bawling at the computer.  I ran into a blog that broke my heart into a million pieces...and I wasn't just bawling - I was sobbing and sobbing loudly.  I was a mess!!

I don't even know why I am passing along this story - except for the fact that it is so beautifully written - written to the point that you can feel the pain so intensely - and when I was done reading it, I said a little prayer to God and thanked Him for what He has given us. I went upstairs and kissed my babies.  I stroked Mason's soft cheeks and tucked Makayla's hair behind her ear.  It's stories like this that help to remind me how blessed I am.  

After reading this story, you can find out more about Amy at Transplanted Thoughts.

Here are some ways that Amy has been described:

"Amy has lived through more unspeakable sadness than many of us can even begin to imagine. Her story is unfathomable and overwhelming. Her story inspires and brings hope.Her story exemplifies survival and optimism. To say that she is strong diminishes her. To say that she is brave doesn’t begin to cover it. Amy is a survivor…she is truly remarkable."

That morning

 

Posted by Amy on February 3, 2011

As you can imagine, this was a difficult post to write, I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not to post it. It deals with the morning David died and it’s raw. Raw and emotional and I thought it best to say so, upfront, just in case you’re not up to shouldering some of the hurt. Because there’s a lot of hurt.

It had been a long night. Ever since he had aspirated the blood on Saturday morning, he had been having episodes of decreased oxygenation and increased levels of CO2.

His lungs were no longer working properly.

There had been talk of the oscillator, but they had tried to hold off as long as possible. By 6am, they couldn’t wait any longer. There was no choice left but to put him on life support.

At that point, I knew with the utmost certainty that I would lose my Capt Snuggles.

I just didn’t know it would be within the next 6 hours.

The oscillator is a horrible apparatus, it is a piston based machine that creates constant motion. It caused David’s entire body to vibrate non-stop. It was a jarring presence in the peaceful atmosphere I tried so hard to hold on to.

By 8:30am he was having some drops in blood pressure and heart-rate, something he’d been doing sporadically. They needed to place an arterial line and start support meds for his heart. Everyone was very calm, business as usual.

I hadn’t left to take a shower the day before, so I left to go to the RMH for a quick shower and maybe a bite to eat. I’d only gotten 2 hours of sleep – I needed a boost for the day ahead.

At 9:10, just as I was getting ready to leave the RMH, one of the nurses called and said the words I wasn’t prepared for “I think you need to come back, now.”

I ran.

I dodged through the people in the concourse, I swept past the guards stationed in front of the elevators – by now they no longer asked for proof that I was allowed up – and I’m sure with my wild-eyed, frantic appearance – they knew I needed to hurry through.

I tried to catch my breath in the elevator, I was scared and alone. I knew I may have to face this all by myself – my husband was an hour and a half away. I took a deep breath and walked into the throng of people that had gathered outside our room.

I knew when I saw our transplant coordinator, this was it.

She offered to call my husband and I let her, I knew I couldn’t find the words to tell him he needed to be here, now.

I watched as they worked over him, the images are so firmly etched in my head that I see them whenever I close my eyes. I’d seen them bag him before, but never with the urgency I saw at that moment. The Attending doctor pulled me into the hallway to talk. Ironically this is the same Attending that admitted us, all those months ago. We hadn’t seen him since.

He explained to me that there comes a time to decide. To differentiate between doing things for him and doing things to him. We were no longer doing things for him. I understood and all I could say was, My husband’s not here, can we hang on until he arrives?

Then he coded.

His heart stopped. I replay the words over and over again in my head, his heart stopped and then suddenly, with an increased frenetic pace, the Attending began chest compressions. Again and again and again, I wanted to shout Enough! Enough already! Please stop! But I didn’t. I let them continue, his

Daddy wasn’t there and I couldn’t let him go by myself.

Some how, they brought him back. Not David, not really, not my Capt Snuggles. I think he took flight the minute his heart stopped.  But they kick-started his heart and kept blowing air into his lungs until his Daddy arrived.

Which he did shortly, by now it was almost 11am. The doctors gathered and ushered us into a small conference room. They said everything I already knew. I looked at each one of them telling me all these things and it didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter that they all loved him, because I’m sure that they did. It didn’t matter that they did the best they could, because I know that they tried. It didn’t matter that they thought I was a good mother, because I still couldn’t change the outcome. None of what they said mattered.

All I could think of was that in a few minutes I would be allowed to finally hold my son and it would be the last time, and it wouldn’t be enough.

It would never be enough.

We returned to the room. They brought in a rocking chair and I held him. I held him while that awful oscillator vibrated and vibrated and vibrated and finally, I told my Hub to get the nurse – I was ready, I wanted, needed them to turn off that awful machine, just so I could hold him in peace.

They came. The drips keeping his heart pumping were stopped. That awful machine was turned off and they removed the breathing tube from his nose. I was finally able to look at my sweet boys’ face without the tape and tubes.

He was finally free of it all.

And I held him.

I held him when the Attending came in to listen for his heartbeat. I held him when the Attending called out 12:15. I held him while they left us alone and I cried. I cried for all the hurt and pain that he had endured. I cried for all the lost hope and the pure senselessness of the whole situation. I cried for the boy that would never grow old and I cried for the emptiness and brokenness that would haunt me for the rest of my days.

I cried until I thought I was empty and then I cried some more, just like a cut that starts to clot, but if you bump it, it starts to bleed again.

I thought that I may never stop bleeding.

Finally, I laid David back on the bed and I covered him with his blanket. Our Chaperone came in and asked if I would like to help her bathe him.

And I did.

Before we bathed him, we took imprints of his feet and hands, both on a heart shaped mold and on paper. I trimmed a lock of his hair to keep tucked away.

Then we washed all traces of blood and tears away from Capt Snuggles. We rubbed baby lotion on his arms and legs and his sweet face, just like he was getting ready for sleep. We dressed him and wrapped him in his blanket.

I bent down and kissed his forehead, more tears than I ever thought possible, streaming down my face.
I had to leave, it was more than time. It may very well be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. To put one foot in front of the other and walk out of that hospital room. To walk out and leave my Capt Snuggles behind.

To walk out and leave my heart behind.

Weekend In Central Illinois

"Dockknockers crablegs - 12 bucks.  2 cold beers - 8 bucks.  Ninety degrees on April 9th - on the lake...priceless!!!"

-a text from my mom and dad who enjoyed a weekend at Lake of the Ozarks.

Sure!  As much as we would have loved to spend the weekend on the lake, we had our own fun right here in central Illinois this weekend.

My text would sound something like this:

"Lunch in the park - 15 bucks.  A night at the Riverman Game - 20 bucks.  85 degrees on April 9th - in Lincoln - with my babies...priceless!!!"

I know to some people (and even to me on some days) it doesn't sound like near as much fun as being on the lake.

But...we had a gorgeous weekend.  I thank God for this beautiful weather in April and I thank God for my babies!

 This weekend, we got to enjoy lunch in the park, followed by an Easter Egg hunt with the cousins.

We also got to take Makayla to one last Riverman game this year - and sit 4th row courtesy of my cousin Brooke and her husband Craig.   

Besides that, we were able to enjoy the beautiful weather and sunshine.

 Makayla has 3 piggy banks that she has been filling over the winter.  She got to cash the change of one of her banks and buy a toy with her money.  She was very excited!  $22 and 3 toys later, she learned how much fun it can be to save her money!

So, even though we weren't soaking up the sun at the lake, we were soaking it up at home - and still having fun and making memories!

Professional Pictures And A Funny Story

Makayla and I were rearranging and cleaning my bedroom this afternoon.  From 'working' so hard, Makayla needed to take a break and get a drink.  I gave her a bottle of PediaSure (to help balance her nutrition) and she began blowing bubbles in it and spilling it out over the edge of the bottle - making a mess.  I told her that if she wants to make a mess, then she needs to go upstairs and do it in the kitchen.  I didn't want that PediaSure on my bedroom carpet.  So...Little Miss went upstairs with her drink.  A little while later she came downstairs, with no clothes on, and told me that she was making a mess.  Then she quickly went back upstairs.  I didn't think anything of it. 

Later, when I went upstairs to check on her - she had definitely made a mess.  She had dumped her PediaSure all over the floor, had her vacuum cleaner next to the spilled drink, and was on her hands and knees (only in her underwear), lapping it up like a cat. 

I hope this little story was able to make you laugh - only Makayla!

...and I hope you can enjoy and get a little smile out of these new pictures we had done of the kids.

Mason - 6 months

Makayla - 2.5 years

Not My Words 1

I am going to start sharing stories that I love - stories that touch my heart - stories that I can completely relate to - stories that make me laugh and stories that make me cry.  Stories that need to be shared.

I am going to title these posts "Not My Words".

The first story I am going to share, is written by Julie and titled "Petal Lashes".  You can find more of her great stories over at Julie C Gardner.

I think the best gift you can ever give your child, God willing, is a sibling.  They will have each other and know each and love each other forever. 

The last days of being a mother of one.  I'll never forget. 

My favorite words written by Julie...

"There is irony in loving one child so much you feel compelled to create another. I trust my heart to multiply. My time I will divide. But he? Is not yet capable of solving such equations."

Enjoy! Here it is:

Petal Lashes — by Julie

The petal lashes blink once, twice.  A third time.

I don’t believe you, his blue eyes say.

This is what he knows:

There is a bed in my room now.  Next to my crib.
I pull tufts from my blanket, white balls that look like bubbles.
Mama’s belly is hard and tight, bigger than it used to be.
I want grilled cheese for lunch.  But I am not hungry.  Yet.

We are on my bed, my son furled into me like a conch shell.  When his father’s out of town for work, we slip easily into crankiness.  We are both of us out of sorts.  I’ve scooped him from his pile of toys, a discarded sippy cup tipped over on the who-cares carpet.  It’s time for an impromptu snuggle.

“Just the two of us,” I say.  His second birthday is a month away, but mother-time still teases me.  Long minutes drag while days slip through my grasping fingers.


How do I make room for another?  Why did I steal his babyhood?  What words might reassure my firstborn that his world may be different but this fierce, complicated love for him will never change?

We have told him this:

You are our first baby.
We love you. Very much.
A new person is coming to stay with us.

Here’s what he believes:

Tummies are for fishy crackers.
And cheerios.
Not people.
Daddy will be home soon.

He pushes on the bulging drum of my stomach, nudging closer.  I cradle him with one arm, reaching across my body with the other to stroke his silky blonde hair.  The fluff of him tickles my rough palm.  We are warm together here and the day slows.  I do not hear the clock ticking, the second hand arcing and unstoppable.

I say, “You’re my Hunny Bunny,” and he juts his chin in protest.  “No!” His lips purse in a pretend pout.  “You’re my Hunny Bunny.”  He giggles and I pull him into me.  He smells like baby shampoo.  And certainty.  He rests his head on my belly and there is no space between us.


I’m sorry my sweetheart.  So sorry.

There is irony in loving one child so much you feel compelled to create another. I trust my heart to multiply.  My time I will divide.  But he?  Is not yet capable of solving such equations.  He counts on his fingers.  And on my complete attention.  One hundred percent of me will soon be split.  My unborn child prepares to claim her half of me.

Without warning, she kicks from the inside, a tiny poke against his cheek.  My boy sucks in breath, his mouth a wide O of astonishment.  He pushes at her and she returns the pressure.  An elbow?  A foot?

My children meeting for the first time.

She shifts, a rolling heave beneath her brother.  She is somehow both closer to me and also more separate. 

But we are together still.  Just the three of us.

My son, not yet two, tilts his face toward me.  Every curve and angle of him open to discovery.  His eyes lock with mine.  Petal lashes blink once, twice.  A third time.

And he believes.

 

Two "Firsts" And A Beautiful Weekend

Makayla got to do two things this weekend that she hadn't done before.

Monkey Joes:

Monkey Joes is an indoor inflatable play area that kids can jump, bounce, slide, and play.  It is definitley loads of fun and kept Makayla busy for 3 hours.  Every time I got a chance to hold her close, her heart was beating 200 beats/minute.  It was a little slice of Heaven for her.  To see the joy on Makayla's face and listen to her squeal and laugh, we were also able to share in her little slice!

Of course Mason had a blast, too.  He got to eat squash and watch all the kids play.  He was entertained all night long.

Lincoln Speedway Racetrack:

This is Makayla with her cousin Kyleigh.  Makayla was all decked out in her protective race gear.  Goggles and ear muffs.   Considering we had gusts of wind up to 40 mph, the goggles weren't such a bad idea.  The below picture is Makayla sitting with Uncle Mike and 'Tole.  I love her concentration as she sits so still and watches the race so intently.  I'm pretty sure she'll be going back again soon with daddy.

Below, are two pictures of Mason enjoying the beautiful weekend.