I don't think that feeling of wanting "just one more" baby will ever go away. Already, still while pregnant with our 3rd, I have dreams about having a 4th...But, I know that won't happen. We are done after 3. In our minds and in our hearts, we are meant to be the parents of three...and that's just what we'll be.
And because we've made the decision that after this baby, we will be closing this chapter in our life, I am very aware that there won't be a next time to do or experience all that pregnancy has to offer. I've said from the beginning, since I took that first belly picture (that I never did with the first two pregnancies), that I was going to embrace this third and last pregnancy.
Being 38.5 weeks pregnant, I am reminding myself several times a day to embrace! Every once in awhile, I feel really really good and I feel like I could carry this baby for a couple more months. On the flip side, every once in awhile, I feel like I could lay down and birth this baby out - no matter where I am, what I'm doing, or who is there. I'm so ready to have this baby, but when I start feeling that way, I try to stop. relax. enjoy. soak it in. for this is the last time I will be pregnant. This is the last time I will ever create another human being.
So...
When I get out of the shower and choose to air dry because I can't bend down to dry my legs, I'll stand there with a smile on my face. I can't bend down because there's a human being curled up in my belly.
When I cuss myself every night struggling to shave my legs and making sure "everything" looks good because 'tonight could be the night', I'll just have to smile. Tonight could be the night that I meet my baby girl and my goodness, I am going to look good!
When somebody tells me one more time "you're going to have your hands full" and I get the urge to punch them in the teeth, I am going take in a deep breath, smile, and thank God that I am given the opportunity to have my hands full. Obviously I am going to have my hands full. Makayla just turned 4, Mason just turned 2, and I am going to have a newborn. Duh. I chose this, though. It's exactly what I want. There's nothing that I love more in this world than being a mother. It's true - there are days that I wonder how I'll make it with 3 little ones - but just thinking about our family of five fills me with butterflies and makes me want to burst with joy.
When I get home from work and feel guilty because I don't have the energy that I wish I had to be able to spend on my family, I will smile and be thankful that I have a job and that I am blessed with uncomplicated pregnancies that allow me to work up to this point. With my first pregnancy, I can remember coming home from work and dropping on the couch. I wouldn't get up for the entiiiire evening. With my second pregnancy, I can remember coming home from work and being able to sneak in a 20 minute nap sometime throughout the evening. This time around, there's no such thing as coming home from a long exhausting day at work and resting with my feet up on the couch. Ha. Every once in awhile, I'll get lucky when daddy takes the kids to run errands, but even then, I find it impossible to sit down and rest. I spend those moments alone picking up, cleaning up, wiping up, hanging up (clothes), putting up...the work of a mother is never done! Those days/evenings/nights of just laying around on the couch feeling re-energized and refreshed are long gone...
When I am having my 10,000th conversation about vasectomies, I'll smile and be tickled on the inside of how 'concerned' people are about our sexual health. It's funny to me the way conversations evolve over the number of pregnancies. While pregnant with Makayla, most conversations were all about the joys of becoming a parent for the first time. While pregnant with Mason, most conversations were all about double strollers. And while pregnant with this last baby, most conversations are all about vasectomies and how Kevin and I plan to prevent another pregnancy.
I've tried to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy andI know it's unrealistic not to moan and groan a little at all of the discomforts of pregnancy - especially the third time around for me. It's been a challenge on my body! I don't know if it's because of my old age or because of the non-stop-on-the-go way of life with already having two little ones. Show me a woman who enjoys every minute of her pregnancy and give me her doctor's number. I clearly need their secret or some of whatever she's taking. Since this is our last pregnancy, I am making an effort to balance the complaining with gratitude and appreciation. I'm growing a person inside of me. I'm creating a life! - and while I may not seem all happy and glowing for the entire 40 weeks, I don't want to regret later that I wasted all of my pregnant energy on complaining or wishing for time to speed through to the end.
"Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle" - Erma Bombeck
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