Constantly

When we go out (and even when we're at home) I have my ears and eyes going in every possible direction.  

I am constantly scanning - keeping track of each of the kids, where they're at, and what they're doing:
Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia...each one getting an instant glimpse to ensure their safety - all while my ears are listening to their voices all at once, nonstop.

Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia, Makayla, Mason, Mia...

...taking it all in as best I can.

saying a quick prayer as I watch Mason scale a ledge to balance along the top,

listening to the conversation unfold between Makayla and the neighbor as she tells him his tattoo is gross,
keeping a close eye as Mia shoves 5 grapes in her mouth,

admiring Makayla's blonde hair flowing in the wind behind her as she runs,

smiling at Mason's macho behavior as he mows the yard - back and forth, back and forth,
drowning in Mia's beautiful blue eyes as they sparkle in the sun...

I'm constantly watching
constantly scanning

constantly counting heads

constantly listening

constantly preparing

constantly praying...

...I'm in my own world most of the time, 

keeping track of kids,

keeping track of actions,

keeping track of words,

making my kids my #1.

It's work.
It's a lot of work.

But I choose, for one second, NOT to stop.
I'm not going to stop scanning, 

I'm not going to take my eyes off of my kids,
I'm not going to turn my ears off,
I'm not going to step away.

Not for one second.

There's too much at stake to do so...

too much to lose to "take a break"

it's not worth it to "rest" for a second.

As the kids get older, it's getting a little easier and a lot harder as I keep my eyes and ears plastered on them.
It's a scale that tries to balance -

 they're becoming more trustworthy, independent, mature...

naive, boundary pushers, risk takers, explorers...

Makaya, Mason, and Mia may be growing up, but my work will never be done, will it?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Speaking of growing up...

I am really really really enjoying the stage that Miss Makayla is in right now of learning to read and write.  I love going through her bag when I pick her up from the Y at the end of the day...especially when I come across papers like this:

I love how she is trying so hard to put her letters together to form her words.  

  

 

If she's already this smart, I can't wait to see what Kindergarten does to this girl!!

Maxine. Obsessed.

About 1 year ago, Makayla began talking about my mommy's mommy (my mom's mom, my grandma).

And when I say "talking" I mean "obsessing".

For a year now, 

Makayla prays for her,

draws pictures of her,

and talks about her routinely.

My grandma has been gone for over 10 years now.
Makayla has never met her, I don't have framed pictures of her around the house (but thinking about changing that), and she's rarely brought up in conversation.

I do not know what brought about this obsession.

Makayla prays for her at home, school, and church.  Throughout the year, we've had notes sent home to us saying that "Makayla prayed for her mommy's grandma today".

She will randomly draw pictures of  her - pictures of her laying in bed, pictures of her in a field of flowers...

Whenever someone passes away, Makayla will let us know that he or she is probably up in heaven playing cards with Maxine.

It's kind of creepy.

About a month ago, I decided I'd show Makayla a couple of pictures I had of my grandma...because up until this point, Makayla had never even seen a picture of her.
(why i find it even more strange to have an obsession over someone she has never seen before).

All Makayla could say when looking at these pictures was

"Awwww, look at her cute blonde hair!!"

Well, tonight the kids and I started an adventure.
We chased a rainbow.
We were trying to get to the end of it and while the kids were having a blast and falling into the magic of it all, I started to get bored of it after about 30 minutes.

Driving through the country, we passed a cemetery and it jogged my memory of a conversation we had with Makayla a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago, as we drove past a cemetery, Makayla asked if that was Maxine's cemetery (yet, just another strange - out of the blue - conversation about Maxine with Makayla)...so, remembering her being inquisitive about where Maxine was buried, I got the idea of taking her out to my grandma's grave.

Makayla was excited!

Upon seeing her grave Makayla got sad and said "awwwww, poor maxine".  She said she was sad and felt bad for Maxine because she passed away.

I told her not to be sad because Maxine is in Heaven!!  There's no better place than Heaven and she is SO happy right now.

Makayla wanted to "bury her body up".  I told her we couldn't dig her up...that she's buried super deep and all we would find are bones.  Her bones are here, but here spirit is up in Heaven with Jesus.
(thank goodness she didn't ask me what 'spirit' was)

Then she wanted to know who carried her body here (to her grave) and I told her that big strong men did.

She had good questions and I couldn't believe I was actually having this conversation with my 5 year old daughter who was SO intrigued and SO happy to be talking about Maxine and to finally be seeing where she was buried.

While walking around the cemetery, Makayla wanted to know how my grandma died.  

My grandma surprisingly died in her sleep one night at home so no one really knows why she died, but I told Makayla that she died of a broken heart because that's what I truly believe.

My grandma died a couple years after my grandpa's death and without having any known sickness or health issues, I believe that she missed my grandpa too much to live on.  I like to think that he came in the night and took her up to Heaven with him.

But...of course, Makayla asked me how her heart broke, which led into conversation about my grandpa, what his name was (weldon), how he died (sick lungs), and how much my grandma loved him.

It got deep.

I was trying to think of a way to get to the shallow end when all of sudden Makayla threw her arms up in the air and got terribly upset because there were not flowers on Maxine's grave!!

  

Man, that girl!! - she's always amazing me.

I made a promise on the way back to the car that we would get flowers and bring them back to Maxine's grave soon.

I know Makayla won't forget...

Thank you, Makayla, for making me miss my grandma more than I ever have...

 and thank you for bringing her to my thoughts almost daily.  

Thank you for forcing me to speak her name and to remember life with her.

Welcome, Sweet Summertime

The start of our summer 2014

(lake of the ozarks

grandma and grandpa allen's lake house) -

FISHING 

mason loved it, makayla enjoyed it but was desperate to get the fish back in the water asap because they were babies and she didn't want their gills to dry up and have them pass away, and mia was cool with it from a distance.

SWIMMING 

swimming in ice cold water, playing in the sand, and looking for cool rocks.

BOATING 

i loved watching the kids get pure joy out of riding on the boat...especially when grandpa went fast!

TUBING

makayla was comfortable going tubing with grandpa...and mason was brave enough to go all by himself.  it brought lots of laughter to see his little body bobbing up and down in the tube as he hit the waves all by himself!

FEEDING FISH

the kids love feeding the huge carp that hang out by the restaurants.

SETTING CATERPILLARS FREE

makayla found a caterpillar and decided to keep it as a pet for the morning.  he had to go on the boat with us, we had to take food out to him on the boat to eat while we were at breakfast, and we had to keep him sheltered with towels and shoes while we were going fast on the boat so he wouldn't blow away.  makayla said she could tell by the way his eyes looked that he was just born.

...just imagine the sadness and tears that seeped from her when we told her that she couldn't take him home because he needed to stay at the lake with his family and friends...

WATCHING FIREWORKS OVER THE LAKE 

picking a spot high on a hill, over the lake, and above the city lights, we enjoyed 8 minutes of fireworks at dusk.

BEING A "GUY" 

funny how proud daddy and grandpa get when mason pees off of the deck.

RELAXING 

fun in the sun wore my babies out.

ENJOYING COOL DRINKS 

nothing better than refreshing drinks under the sun.  

kiddie drinks and grown-up drinks...

BEING HAPPY 

WATCHING SUNSETS 

life is good

 MAKING MEMORIES 

looking forward to many more summer trips with the kids to the ozarks throughout the years...

LOVING LIFE

our "normal"

Here's to celebrating summer - sun drenched days and starlit nights!

-Gooseberry Patch

P.S. 

WATERMELON
what's summertime without watermelon?!
mia enjoying a slice of watermelon at grandma and grandpa curry's house and can't "CHEESE" big enough or loud enough!

Growing Hurts

Pre-K at Carroll Catholic for Makayla (2014)

From the first day of school....

to the last day of school! 

My, has this child grown this year!

She's lived, loved, laughed, played, studied, and learned.
She's lost her first tooth, made her first boyfriend(s), and read her first books.

She has spent the year blossoming into a beautiful and smart young lady!

And who knew that watching Makayla's  Pre-K graduation last night would make me so weepy?

Our experience at Carroll Catholic School this year was better than I could ever hope for.
It's a family that I'm so thankful to have been a part of.  

We will be forever grateful for the way the teachers and staff have touched Makayla's life.

The teachers, the parents, the routine, the love, the education...
I wish it could go on indefinitely.

As sad as it makes me to leave all that we've come to know over this past year, I get very excited when I think about Makayla and her future.

It's crazy the strength of my yearning for our days to stay just as they are -

my five year old going to Pre-K with Mrs. Sharp and Miss Martin...

with her same friends...

in the same classroom...

Yet, at the same time, my desire for her to grow bigger and better is bursting at the seams.

*sigh*
growing hurts

Thank you Carroll Catholic Pre-K Class of 2014!
Thank you for an exciting year of fun, learning, and making memories!

 

Congratulations!! 

P.S.
Starting with Makayla and following through with Mason and Mia,
each of my kids will be given this book -

At the end of each school year, from Pre-K to 12th, I plan to have their teachers sign their book and to leave a little note if they so wish.
What a special gift that will be at their high school graduation!

Oh, the places you'll go, baby girl!!

Parenting Is Tough

Raising three kids ages 5 and under is hard.

It's demanding, exhausting, frustrating, and challenging.  It's tough.  

Being a parent (especially to three little ones in my case) is a workout! - it's physically, emotionally, and mentally draining.

It's hard work...and at the end of the day, when everyone is tucked into bed, I flop on the couch (or in the tub) and thank God that we made it through another day.

...And that all may sound harsh, but it's the truth.  Most days, by the end of the day, I cannot wait to put my babes to bed...but by morning, I cannot wait to wake them up and start all over again.  I love being a mother.  It's what keeps me going.  It's what keeps my heart beating.  My children are my reason for living and no matter how hard it is or how stressful the days become, I can say that the goodness of being a parent outweighs all of that.  The beautiful parts of parenting FAR outweigh all of the demands, exhaustion, and frustrations.  Parenting fills you with a love so deep - so deep it hurts.  

In those moments, though, when I feel like I want to quit and walk away (and i know that i'm not the only mom to feel that way sometimes), or my level of anger is rising, or my eyes are burning with exhaustion, or my patience is running thin, what keeps me afloat?...what keeps me going?...what opens me eyes? 

Well, through the years, I've discovered that it truly is the simple things in  life that shine a light for us when we need it...

when I need a light to shine in those parenting moments, I'm thankful to run across those 'simple things' -

Monster trucks and power tools that get tucked into bed at night with a little boy...

Finding that Mia was busy filling her shoes with crayons.  It's funny how spotting a shoe filled with crayons can bring a smile to my face.  All too soon, the days of finding little things like this will be gone...and I know I'll miss it...

Discovering a cage on my kitchen counter with a lady bug eating cantaloupe...and then to read the sticker that has been put on the cage "Love is the golden thread that ties our hearts and souls together"...

Hearing the kids squeal as they jump into mud puddles.  It brings so much joy to know how happy they are and how much fun they're having by puddle jumping.

Having this sweet baby girl look up at me with her beautiful smile - it melts my heart.

Finding wilted flowers that had once been a bouquet wrapped by Makayla's hair tie. 

And, seriously, every time I'm in the shower and catch a glimpse of the kids' shampoo, I say a quick prayer to God, thanking him for my children. 

Little notes I find through out the house from Makayla -

I love God and Jesus,

Love for Lyndie,

and a heart encircling all of our names in the family.

I know she's only 5, but there is so much to be learned from her. 

A little boy who excitedly shoves his arm in my face as he tells me that he's growing into a daddy because he has hair poking out of his arm.

Toothless smiles and climbing trees... 

My two beautiful daughters playing in the muddy woods... 

And, if I only held onto the draining and difficult parts of parenthood, I would miss out on so much!

I would miss out on all the joy my children bring to me every day.

I would miss out on the beauty of life with them.
I would miss out on the lessons they have to teach me.

I would miss out on making good, wonderful memories with my kids.

 Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood, just as the grandeur of the trees is lost when raking leaves 

- marcelene cox